Loveys and Attachment Objects

Kimberley Clayton Blaine (TheGoToMom) Quoted in ePregnancy Magazine


Magazine Comfort and Joy: How blankets and soft toys can soothe baby…and you


by Melanie Gold and Kathryn Williams Craft

When your child's screams and flailing limbs indicate a full-fledged tantrum, it's natural to want to go to him. What mother enjoys seeing her child in such distress? But your instincts tell you to hold back, that he needs to work this out for himself. While this internal dialog has paralyzed you in the kitchen, your child has toddled into the family room. You suddenly register the quiet. You peek around the corner and there he sits, stroking the satin edge of his special blanket, his former screams now barely a whimper. In that magical moment, your child has made good use of what experts call a "transitional object" or, in the words of pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton, a "lovey." Many young children latch onto a blanket or soft toy and imbue this special object with the ability to comfort them in a wide range of situations, including learning to sleep alone. The bond between child and lovey is healthy, real, and often long lasting-just ask Linus Van Pelt. When Charles M. Shulz's famous "Peanuts" character was asked what he'd do with his security blanket when he grew up, he answered, "Maybe I'll turn it into a sport coat." As Linus implies, the choice of a lovey is an important one.

As a bridge between the breast and true independence, the lovey may impact the parent-child relationship for many years. Chelsea Gentry, a 15-year-old from Macungie, Pennsylvania, still holds special regard for the quilted blanket that has gone everywhere with her since she was very young. "It was a sun visor, a pillow, a weapon against her brother, and a hiding place," says her mom, Jacquie. Chelsea has now gone through several quilts, but Jacquie always sews a "tickle," a piece of fabric from her former blanket, onto the corner of each subsequent quilt. To this day Chelsea will pull the tickle, velvety gray with use, through her fingers in a manner that lures her into a trancelike state. "It is her meditation and her link to inner peace," says Jacquie. "I hope she has it always." Chelsea's story is not unique in American households, where many mothers work and, quite frankly, can use some early help in sending their child down the road to independence.

According to a 1995 study in Genetic Psychology, approximately 60 percent of middle-class children in Western cultures latch onto blankets, pillows, and stuffed toys as soothers or comforters when they go to sleep or are mildly distressed. Other international studies have shown that children whose parents sleep with them or stay with them at bedtime, a practice more common in non-Western cultures, were significantly less likely to use a transitional object.

Does a child's use of a comfort object mean that he is having trouble-or will have trouble-on the road to independence? Not at all. In fact, experts say that loveys help children develop self-soothing skills.

Because very young children have difficulty regulating their emotions, a transitional object is a conduit to emotional well-being. "Blankies become a symbol for the parents or caregiver," says Kimberley Clayton Blaine, a licensed child therapist and consultant to child welfare organizations. "They provide safety and joy. The child who bonds with a blanket is attaching to a parent substitute."

Experts, including Blaine, say that loveys are particularly useful during stressful situations. Recovering from boo-boos, enduring doctor and hospital visits, starting daycare, even moving to a new home can be less frightening for a child when she has a security object with her. When a child's distress has subsided, she will simply drop the lovey to play or sleep. But are parents who encourage such attachment to an object neglecting their child in some way? Absolutely not. Parents should always ask themselves how they can best nurture their child. But making decisions that make the parent feel at peace are important as well, says Blaine, who is also a mother to a toddler. Ultimately, the best decisions take into account everyone's needs. "Do what feels comfortable and go with your individual style," Blaine advises. Most children naturally wean from their loveys as they become more social, but they may return to their security objects at difficult transitions throughout their lives.

For many, this may even include the anxiety-filled transition of going off to college. Elizabeth Gallow, a senior at William & Mary College in Williamsburg, Virginia, has her little secret-the shredded remains of a crocheted blanket dubbed "Apple Benny" in her youth-tucked away in her closet. The decision to bring it along, she says, was a "given." "I brought it because it has always been with me, and it is something that ties me to my childhood and my family," she says. "I knew it would be a comfort to have it there. I slept with it under my pillow freshman year." Make no mistake-the child chooses the lovey, but it is the parents who provide the choices, whether it is a blanket, pillow, plush toy, or some other object.

Given the long-lasting attachment that may ensue, you might consider the following factors when deciding what kind of objects to make accessible to your child:

1. Understand what attachment really is. A child who attaches to a security object is learning to cope. A lovey can be a faithful and comforting companion, available even when parents are not. Ritualistic behaviors are often associated with the lovey, such as stroking the satin trim of a blanket or flicking the tail of a stuffed dog, and this may be accompanied by babbling or repetitive sounds. Remember that your child's attachment can work to your benefit, because she won't need you every time she needs comforting. She'll be able to achieve it herself with the help of her lovey.

2. Don't start too young-or too old. Children tend to bond with loveys between the ages of 6 and 10 months, when they begin to realize their separateness from their parents and are taking their first steps toward independence. So don't bother loading up the crib with choices at early infancy. As a matter of fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against the use of soft bedding, pillows, or stuffed animals in cribs, as they are risk factors for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), a disease of unknown cause that is responsible for more deaths of infants under one year in the U.S. than any other cause beyond the neonatal period. U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission spokesman Ken Giles says, "SIDS typically occurs in children under four months of age, with the risk diminishing as children age. Children six months of age and above have increased mobility and the ability to respond to stimuli, such that small non-pillow-like stuffed animals and small lightweight blankets can be used as transitional objects."

3. Avoid risky objects. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission recommends against toys with parts (such as antennas, buttons, eyes, or noses) that could come off into the child's mouth, elastic cords that could strangle, or toys with foam or plastic bead stuffing that could pose a choking hazard should a seam rip. In addition, avoid known allergens such as woolen textiles and, whenever possible, articles such as pacifiers that could have a negative physical impact (such as on developing teeth) on a child. Most modern blankets and plush animals are made from either cotton or a manmade material such as polyester. Dr. William L. Weston, dermatology department chair at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center in Denver, reports that polyester and other manmade materials are perfectly safe for children's skin. "Drool is a bigger issue," he says.

4. Buy more than one. If you have to replace a lost singleton lovey, you may be in for a tough readjustment period. Depending on how hard it is for you to find a replacement, it may be easier to let your child grieve the loss of the first and wait for him to attach to something new. Parents should approach a child with understanding and, in an age-appropriate and truthful way, explain what happened to the lovey-for instance, that it got so small that it is now "all gone." Remember that the child has instilled in his lovey magical powers that make it much more than a replaceable object. It may be possible to circumnavigate such trauma early on-if you sense your child favoring one object over another, buy at least one more and alternate them with regularity.

5. Buy "machine washable." Why make life any more difficult than it has to be? You might be saving yourself a lot of aggravation if the soft objects you surround your child with just happen to be machine washable and can be totally submerged in water. Loveys get dragged all over the place, from the grocery store to public restrooms to daycare. Even the most benign fabrics can pick up allergens such as pet danders, dust mites, and pollens. If you go too long without washing it, however, be prepared for a fight. Children tend to hold their loveys up near their mouths and noses, and altering its smell breaks the continuity of the child's experience-a break that could bring on a tantrum or, worse, that could destroy the meaning and value of the object to the child.

6. The most important tip. Remember, the lovey is a symbol of you, and its power to soothe is wrapped up in your child's perception of its unconditional love. Consider it a sacred object, one that should neither be associated with punishment or reward nor its importance underestimated. "If parents know the real meaning [of a lovey], they won't take it away. They'll try to preserve it," says Blaine. With his lovey, your child is creating a symbol of his past experiences, utilizing the same process that will eventually produce artistic and religious thought. By combining memory and symbol, experience and illusion, your child is taking his first steps toward finding and securing his place in the world.

About the authors: Melanie Gold and Kathryn Williams Craft are freelance writers and mothers of boys, both living in eastern Pennsylvania.

SIDEBAR

The Right Stuff According to child therapist Kimberley Clayton Blaine, select a lovey based on the following criteria:

* Size. Since loveys go everywhere-and since it's good to have more than one in case of loss-pick a blanket or plush toy that is small enough to fit in your purse or travel bag.

* Softness. Children tend to latch onto objects that are especially soft, so choose accordingly. In fact, some say that the feel of satin is for a baby reminiscent of living in the womb.

* Durability. The dollar-store blanket is not going to live through the rigors of childhood for very long, which could lead to devastating results for your child. Select comfort objects that are super durable. Look for multi-layered blankets and multi-stitched, double-bagged plush toys.

* Accessibility. Whenever possible, buy several objects and use them interchangeably. That way, when the blanket is dragged through a dirty parking lot, you'll be able to pull a fresh one out of your bag.

* Easy care. Look for objects that are at least surface washable (but preferably machine washable) and machine dryable. Avoid hanging your child's lovey out to dry-not only could it attract allergens such as pollen, your child may see it and demand to use it before it is dry.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON LOVEYS, WATCH THE GO-TO MOM’S VIDEO AT WWW.TheGoToMom.TV